Unconditionally by Von Sprecken
I thought I knew my little brother - better than he knew himself.
Because he was me, just a few years behind.
I mean, yeah, we had our differences
my eyes were blue, his were brown
he was sporty, I was nerdy
And we fought all the time, but what we shared... was a broken home
and it broke us in similar ways
by my early 20s, I was a full-blown drug addict, alcoholic
but I was really lucky I got sent to a good rehab, I took to it well
I got a lot better, and then I got worse - I ended up in the hospital, I was suicidal
but from there, I started to figure things out, you know?
I actually went back to school, I became an EMT
I worked as a first responder for 5 years on an ambulance
I went from drowning in my own trauma, to helping other people through theirs
I could not have asked for a better turnaround story
but it was hard. To be clear - addiction is hell.
It's like drinking poison but it doesn't kill you right away
It can take years - slowly, painfully eats away at you, from the inside, destroys your body, destroys your mind
and the only thing harder than pulling myself out of that pit
was turning around and realizing...someone I loved was still in there
because he was me, but just a few years behind.
It was actually his idea, to move in together, you know, save some money?
but it became apparent very quickly he was not doing well
Didn't take care of the place, didn't take care of himself
and we fought, all the time
like the time he wanted to get a dog, and he said
"Bro! You don't understand! I'll do ALL work!"
and I'm like, "yeah, but I know you, and I know RIGHT NOW you believe that
BUT in two months this is gonna be MY problem"
some of you giggled because you've lived with drunks or small children and you know
you've had this talk
But I helped him too
we got him into rehab and he got better and he got worse and he was in the hospital but
I couldn't worry because that was me
and I knew he was a few years behind but I couldn't wait until he finally caught up
and we could be the friends I always knew we were always gonna be
so I helped him with everything, even the dumb stuff
like the time he fell off his bike, drunk, and he was too drunk to get back on, so he just took a nap on the side of the road…as you do...and, um...
but he rode back and realized he forgot his backpack - he comes to me, upset
like "man, I don't know where it could be, I've looked everywhere, please help me"
So I'm like, "Ok, show me where this happened"
and we go out, and he, uh, I'm just like
"So where'd you fall"
"Here"
"And where did you take a nap?"
"Here"
I'm like "Hmm. Not the same place. Interesting. Ok..."
Because, like, I've been there before. So I start doing a little...drunk logic, drunk math
and he's already run off, he's looking on the roofs of garages, and under cars and stuff
and I'm like, "no no no no no, hold on..."
Within 30 seconds, I'm like "...fell here...
nap there...your backpack...is.....THERE"
And I walk over to this embankment, where there's like some bushes and trees
and I reach into the bushes, and like a magician, I'm like
"IS THIS YOUR CARD?!"
and he's like "HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!"
I'm like "Dude, because you're me! I'm you! You think I've never done drunk math before?
I lost a car once
See what I mean? Like I knew my brother, better than he knew himself - and I knew that
Until the minute
I found his body.
four fifty-three. P M. March Nine. Twenty Twenty-two.
I'll never forget.
I forgot...something. I forgot he knew me, too. How to hide certain things.
He picked a time, he knew I'd be busy. He even barricaded his room because he knew, I mean, I had emergency training
if I had found him in time...he knew…I would have done anything.
It's weird, it feels like we're still fighting. You know?
I mean I, I have learned to love myself, and my life, unconditionally
and I used to be so sure I didn't deserve that until I realized, like
you can't deserve your way into, or out of, unconditional love,
That would be a condition, It's UNCONDITIONAL
it's just something you give yourself
as much as you can, while you can, and I don't know if I ever explained that to him, properly
and I don't think he'll ever understand that, now.
So he argues with me, still, even though it sounds, now, like silence.
and the worst part is, I understand the point the silence is making
'cause that was me. That was me.
Now he'll always be the part of me that didn't make it.
But I believe that also makes me the part of him that did.
There was a time this would have ended me. but for me
There was no relapse. No more rehab, no more hospital.
I just
I allowed myself to grieve. Unconditionally.
And I'm still grieving.
And I'm still here.
And Scott. I still love you.
Unconditionally.
As part of lifelong dedication to making his life more difficult than it needs to be, Von knew he had to become an artist. Even worse - a comedian (though he dabbles in various art forms). Having honed an ability to laugh at nearly anything from years of dealing with traumatic events (both in his own life and in those he helped as a first responder), Von crafted a wild theory - that anything can be funny (if you just look at it weirdly). After a few years of learning to apply this theory to some of the most difficult struggles of his life…the result is nothing short of magical. Join Von on an intense and outrageous ride as you laugh your way through fear, confusion, and adrenaline - but also love, hope, connection, and what it means to heal.
